Are you ready for this?? [INSIDER]
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I am here again typing this blog about this something I have know for about two years now…
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You may be saying to yourself “What is he talking about?” You may even think to yourself “Why in the hell is he posting his business on Myspace?’’ If you continue on reading you will find out “Why”.
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I’ve heard of this something, head what kind of impact it can have, what danger lies ahead, and know that it’s something manageable… Never knew it personally until January 18, 2007 until I was told I have HIV… Yes I am living with HIV…. You might of known from my previous Myspace page, which was deleted because I couldn’t handle the pressure and drama that was came behind it... I wasn’t going to put it up again, but I want to be heard and not looked down on because for one I am Gay, Black, and HIV positive. Many have been there for me after knowing my status and there when I received it. If it wasn’t for my mother (I love you dearly), Justice (best friend), Godmother, God sister, and the list goes on (you know who are and I thank you so much) truly and most of all GOD. I would have perished along time ago… So why am I still here? I am here for a reason, I am here to serve a purpose and I am going to do it. No matter what he or she says I am going to be me. It’s like coming out all over again. The first time was when I came out about my sexuality to my English 2 class sophomore year of high school. I read a story about how I feel in love with this guy my age then, having my heart broken, and picking myself up/ from that day I felt good about me. I had a standing ovation from own friends and of course got an A+. Did you know how that made me feel?
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Now to come out about my status really has taking me to another level in life. I came out to my old high school about my status during a presentation for Black Aids Awareness Day in the auditorium. That right there really showed how brave I was, but also coming back to my community to help those before they wreck themselves. Some people may make me feel bad for posting a blog like this, but you don’t know the hassles the up’s and down’s person like me has to go through.
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Sometimes I just feel like ending it all just so that I don’t have to face the challenges here on earth.
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I opened up to my cousin long before I did the presentation at my old high school. I trusted her and she went and told my whole family about it. The only family member that knew about it was my mother. From that day forth I felt hurt and betrayed, I confronted her and really didn’t help at all because she denied it… Sometimes I have my emotional roller coaster going its not that I am looking for anyone’s sympathy that’s just how I am. Sometimes I just want to be alone and not bothered. I know that’s not the right way to handle something’s, but it sure helps me deal with it personally. What I really want to say is that don’t look me down, because I am positive and taking the courage to talk about it. I came to realization that this is real, what I am going to do about it, how I am going to strengthen myself and as well as others. I am a true warrior and would do what I have to do to help someone in need. I may not know everyone, every word, or way to help, but, every thing counts in my book. You may even stop talking to me, go or tell others about my status lol long as you are hearing it from the “Source”, I don’t have a problem because you are making me famous. I am not living for anyone else except for T-I-M-O-T-H-Y and who does that represent? Me.
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I have no time to fall down to the ground and just cry (even though I have had those moments and still do) for anyone because they are afraid of the truth. I am not saying to spill out your own business, no don’t do that on my account. I am saying you can’t sometimes tolerate a person who know they have done something wrong, fell into the same traps and realize what he or she has to do to move on and live life for that it is. For months I was the type to be afraid of hanging around friends because of the uncertainties a friend or even a family member may think. You can be around someone who is positive. Long as you, your partner, or friend do what’s best and that means play things safe! You can manage believe me. Just don’t fall anything. Don’t! I am living proof and as well as others that life continues. It may not be the way you want, but its up to you. Someone right now may be thinking about my past relationships or how I contracted it. My relationships were safe as possible; I wouldn’t dare put someone’s life in danger. I contracted it from my ex three years ago… The virus didn’t show up in my system until January of 07 when I went for a routine check up. So do you have your answer?
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I know there is stipulations put behind in me in posting this blog. Of course I am going to be the talk among people I know. I am ready for that. It may hurt and bother me, but I know I am doing something that some aren’t doing. The famous saying quotes “Before you can love someone else, you got to love yourself first. If that means distancing yourself from negative people in your surroundings, do so. It may hurt to do, but I tough situations you will see who really are there for you in the long run.
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I have had sleepless nights and crying ones, but one thing for sure I am stronger than ever.
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All the times isn’t great, but when you are able to wake up and see the sunlight, able to get out of bed and stretch out there is a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes I feel like not being bothered and lonely I still have to press along the fight. One thing for sure I can say is that I feel a whole lot better talking about it and not just about me, but life itself. I hope I helped someone by reading this. The word is not getting out about HIV… I can’t just sit back and allow anyone to do something bad when it’s preventable. There is more to life than sex. If you are going to do that then wrap it up and I don’t mean use plastic wrap either. Lol. Be Smart, Be Aware, and Be loved meaning love yourself and others. Thanks for the support. Goodnight. Check out my next blog coming up…
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Timmell Dontrell
Myspace.com/Timmell_Dontrell
