Tear Drop

During lunch time me and my coworkers came to Bayonne, NJ to view the monument called "Tear Drop" that the Russians sculpted and sent here as a gift and to remember the lives that was lost on 9/11/01.

I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday. The year which was supposed to be my first year in high school but, not doing what I suppose to do in the 7th I got held back (I didn't have to add that but, I want everything accurate). During one of my early morning classes in my final year at PS #34 in Jersey City, It was sunny. Getting ready to tackle this year when the principle came on the intercom and said something of which till this day could barely understand. I just knew it didn't sound right. Then one of my fav math teacher  Mr. Brancato turned on the TV to CNN. All I saw was one of the WTC building up in smoke. After a while of watching CNN it was time to switch classes.

I always loved going my second period class because it was pretty easy and calm, plus I got to see a view of the WTC right from my seat. Plus i have never been to it but, hoping one day i would have the chance to go. It wasn't the same that morning at all when I saw it burning I was scared for those inside the building, hoping that the "accident" didn't harm anyone. I soon realize it was no accident, when I saw an explosion happen to the other building... Didn't know what it was but, it was a second plane that hit.

A lot was going through my mind as the school became quite from all the parents picking up their children. After a while no one was allowed to leave. I didn't know if we were next or what but, it was terrified. I then knew I would not be able to visit the WTC because by that time the buildings and lives were gone...I couldn’t believe it… after getting home from school early that day, there were no TV, no phone, it was just total silence. I hardly slept that night.

Seeing that this is the 10^th year anniversary of 9/11 it still has not left my mind and sight. I am hoping that people take things more serious, pray even harder, love one another, and lets not give up because with every tear there are streams of blessings coming, more weight has been lifted, and shedding a tear or two doesn’t make you less of a person otherwise I would have been less than who I am.

***Photos taking with my Blackberry Bold 9700 and 1with my iPad2***

Coming to terms with your sexuality pt.1

Being an openly gay man

Vlog 8/9/11

My words are not to inflict harm, but open your mind up

My Experience: Dating and Relationships

Puzzle

I am not fat nor skinny
I dont think I am better than you
My work says it all
I am no one lover nor anyones fighter
I dont think I am brighter than you Even though I think I am a cool person to be around
I know the world is round but, sometimes I cant be found on earth
My garth doesnt represent how much of a man I am but, I know short ppl can pack a punch
I am the quietest out of all the bunch but, can soon open up when I feel is ok
I am always wishing that some of my wounds would heal from my past so I can move on with life
Knowing that I do exist for a reason
I am willing to take a risk to find out what I'm here for.
Just because I may not talk, I always listen
With words I give to you I hope it makes smile and glisten
I thought all of the gear I had with me
Would block the fear that runs through my mind
The struggles, the troubles, and even the rumbles that go forth
I may not mumble a word for not knowing if its even worth it
With all this being said I can be bit too much handle
Because candle that is shape like my heart melts from the continous burns that runs down the string there's nothing left but, leftover wax.
I use whats left of it, warm it, shape it, and mold it into something new
With the new piece I have i can now add it to the space that was empty for a long time
Hoping that no one would see the missing parts that help me to relieve the pain I occur
What I am I trying to say?
As I lay here I want you to know that am not perfect, I've made mistakes, and have I am trying to do a retake of the failed scenes within my life
I hope that some could understand where I am coming from.
Everyday is not the same
I cant place the blame on anyone
but, knowing all of this I am here to reclaim everything I am striving for because all this makes up

ME.

JCLGO presents the 10th Annual JC PRIDE Festival

I went on down to Exchange place in my hometown and city I still reside in of Jersey City. Check out the Pics for the 10th Annual JC Pride! Hopefully You will be in these bundle of pics next year!

Happiness Vs Closure (a Sad ending)

My heart is very heavy,with so many thoughts going through my head. I want things to change, if only speak I upon the feelings that could bring me healing. I don't know why I say things that makes me happy for only a moment. One of my feelings right now has to be spoken before its too late to reciprocate. I gave a lot of directions as I thought were right. Thinking that maybe since I had time to myself I could give you a different route to follow your way back to me. Yet, I was wrong again. I am sorry I have lead you into the wrong direction, thinking that it was the right path I wanted you to go. Maybe I need to find my way my out on my own. Maybe this is the end, maybe what I needed all along was closure because you are just bringing me back to where I don't need to be. Trying to piece something back together didn't work out, well at least for me. There's no trying to help me find my way back to you because right now, I need to get my map, turn it the right way, and follow my own path by myself. Yes, it will get hard and lonely but, I will be where I want and got to be someday. I will always think of you when I see the smiley face you placed on the map when we first met. Maybe we will cross paths again and you will find the special someone for you. Until then wipe away your tears, grab your gear, put away your fears, and follow your dreams back to where it was once gleamed.

Book signing- Hikeema Raeford

Check out here call intitled: Miss Plan B
She is even on facebook so become a fan Hikeema Raeford

Lavin

One of my models Lavin.

Whats on my mind? The kind of work I do.

My name is Timothy Daniels I am also known as Timmell Dontrell. I was born, raised and currently located in Jersey City, New Jersey. I am 23 years old, third born out of 6. I am a Full time employee at Jersey City Medical where I am an outreach worker in he field of HIV/AIDS. I help reengage clients to get back into medical care and help keep them into care with vigorous ways of outreach. Making phone calls, doing home visits, and etc are ways of what making clients feel as though they are important, which they are. This job is what you make it. I am very fortunate to be working n this field because it’s a learning process. I have learned so much from just interacting with co-workers, clients, and HIV/AIDS itself. I didn’t think of coming in to this field, my field of choice was to go in the field of criminal justice. Everything has its purpose in life and this was one of them. For many who do know me from the community know that I am HIV+ and have
been January 18, 2007, a few weeks shy of my 20th birthday. This was one of the ways entered this field. I am very much open with it, healthy at this point, and will continue to keep it that way. No, I didn’t come out and tell everyone my status when I found out, due to being looked at much more differently (for being gay and now positive). It took time and once again a process. I told a family member about my status and she went and told my whole family… The only people in my life that knew at the time were my mother, male best friend (Justice), and God sister (Timeka). When I received a call from my uncle who I had been living with since 17 do to circumstances caused by me, he asked me if it was true. I had been living with him for a year without him knowing anything. He felt bad because for one he gave me the option to talk to him about anything, he now knows his nephew is HIV+, and now have to worry if I am going to be alright. Sometimes I do
the fear the worse while living with HIV. The only way I would really get sick is if I don’t take care of myself, as I should. Working in this field you could see a lot of good and bad things go on. It’s up to you to learn from it. I use my short beginning life, mistakes, and accomplishments to help those see a brighter future. Talking to young adults and adults lets just say various ages. Some were at the point of giving up due to being tired physically, mentally, and emotionally sometimes can be hard to penetrate their feelings to continue on living a healthy lifestyle while living with HIV or AIDS. They see me just a person who works with at the hospital when I first walk in, sometimes you get those who don’t want to here anything, but, when you open up about yourself it totally different. I treat you the same way I want to be treated. For them to see a young person who is concerned about people who are in the same boat as he is in helps them
to open up to me. Some ask me “How did you contract this at such an early age (19)? You are only a baby” Telling my story reels them in into believing and knowing that they can overcome the obstacles they have faced. You are Never to young or old to experience hardship. I may not of had the virus for over 5 years or more but, I went through something’s to get where I am at today. I am still going through it. You are not alone. This was a very and still is a very large hump to get over but, I am managing and so can others. Being one of the many young faces of HIV has brought me many closer to learning on how to protect them from the virus and how to take care of them if they’re infected. Many may wonder if I could back in time would I do things differently and relive the moment before contracting the virus. Of course I would do things differently to protect others and myself from contracting the virus. Now if I had to choose living positive or
negative that would be hard question to answer. I say this because living HIV-, being young, cute, and being in or out love can make you do some things you would regret and ultimately cause you have unnecessary problems to occur. Also I don’t think I would have been so receptive in learning about the virus and what it could lead too, plus I would of still been out there doing me. Being positive was a wake up call; literally you were forced to grow up and take care of business by going to all medical appts (appointments) and being stuck with needles because your medical provider needs to know where you stand in your health. Taking medication for the rest of life is a constant reminder of what you have. It doesn’t automatically say you have to be on meds but, when you do, you will realize that it’s not a joke. You can still be in a relationship but, you have to protect your partner and yourself. Because when you do have unprotected sex, you can
potentially infect your partner and also give him or her a strand of the virus where it hard to keep the virus from growing with certain meds. Instead of taking one pill a day you may whine up taking more than 3 or more a day also dealing with the side affects. Just being real, there are times I don’t want to take my one pill each and every night. It more than this but, this what people have to go through on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be out having sex with multiple sex partners in order to have a long-term neighbor living inside you. It can take only one time and you are hit. Just have to mindful of your actions, because I know I am. You choose. Do you want to live being HIV positive or negative? Your call, Your life, Your Future, and Your choice.
Timothy "Timmell Dontrell" Daniels

A Dream While Awake By Timothy Timmell Dontrell Daniels

A Dream While Awake

As I prepared myself for my nightly shower, I plugged in my IPod into my radio, turned the light off, and lit up my blueberry scented candle

Turned on the hot water with my hand under the running hot water and waited until I found the right spot I can handle

As I undressed the bathroom filled up with steam, I knew this was going to be good

I eased my right foot in the shower first, testing to see if the water was just right

I knew I might have jumped out, if it was too hot

I thought not to myself and continued on my way in

Grabbed my washcloth and put it under the running water as I did that

I began slowly moving my body up under the hot soothing water

I opened the bottle of the cleansing, smell good body wash, and poured it into hands

As my back faced the waterfall coming from above with my eyes closed I began to feel the strong warm hands on shoulders

That had a lot of boulders bearing upon me. Rubbing each finger and thumb up and down my back

Leaving this lingering feeling that almost made me numb, that’s how good it felt

All my cares, all my worries, and stress were put to the side as I enjoyed this ride.

It felt as if there was a man with muscular arms wrapped around me, holding me back from the fears that played over and over and again.

Rumble…CHI GA BOOM!

I felt the arms around me tighten, as shook from the noise outside the window

I felt a sense calm, knowing that everything was going to be alright.

As the storm outside my shower curtain came rubble and then BOOM!

My eyes opened quickly to see what it was the disturbed me and peaceful shower

As I attempted to pull back the curtain I felt the warm pressure on shoulder letting me know “don’t worry, stay here”

It was just the cat climbing up on the closed seat of the toilet

I eased back and closed my eyes

Washing each and every particle of my body and especially where the sun don’t shine

This felt so right, unreal, I couldn’t believe that someone could actually care about me deeply

The water turned from hot to warm, I didn’t feel the hands of the warm calming hands on my back as when I first got in anymore

I got worried I felt each and every pressure go as the water turn warm to a little cool

Rinsing of the suds that helped moisturized my dry skin, the warm muscular relaxing man left as the water turned cold

My eyes opened slowly

Sad to believe something that felt so real went spiraling down the drain was coming to a reality

Rumble…CHI GA BOOM!

I just kept on looking at the drain; while the water dripping down my face right along tears fell and went spiraling down with the man I once thought was with me.

Turned on the light, blew out the candle and turned off the iPod that had the storm like sounds coming from it and looked in the mirror and realize it was only a dream.

A face to HIV

As many of you know that I am an HIV/AIDS activist and also HIV+ himself. I want people to know that this is a manageable disease but, contracting HIV is not the thing to do. We as individuals have to be careful who we sleep with and engage in risky activities. Even though there are many other STD's out there HIV/AIDS can be a deadly disease if you don't take of yourself. If you didn't know my history. I contracted HIV through unsafe sex which in clinical terms I contracted though MSM (men who sex with other men). I was 19 years old fresh out of high school, had dreams that I wanted to achieved (Which I can still), and wanting to live a healthy life. Have i ever thought contracting this? No. Have I ever thought about the men I slept and possibly having an STD? No. As many we go by the looks and think well he looks healthy, he keeps himself groomed well, got a job, going to school, and got his own place. Do we ever think about asking questions about someone sexual history or about condoms? No, because the fear of rejection. These things we have to be mindful of. Our life is to precious to waste and just let go. Yes there was prevention included in our daily health classes and programs but, no enough. Not to say I blame the teachers or counselor for allowing this to happen, we have to take account of our own actions sometimes. To be Honest I wasnt always safe due to the rejection of others, thinking that he wont talk to me ever again if I even think about using a condom or insisting on using one. I am not perfect, neither is the next person. When I was told that i was HIV+, it didnt hit me right then and there. It took weeks to even realize that I was a sick person who would never find love again, never have children, and wont live to see the age of 85. That was my mindset back then, but now since i have been working in this field I know a lot better now. Taking your antiviral medicine can be a challenge to some, even if you are on one pill like I am. Sometimes when you are out having fun and that certain time of the day comes you dread it because it makes you feel different than others, you can do what you would normally would do on a Friday night because you fear of getting sick and going to the hospital. Getting up in the morning for work and feeling so sick to where you just cant go no where. This again was going through my mind at the early stages of finding out. I had to grow up faster now. I was already mature but, now this was something that made you grow into the person you are today. One thing I can say is that I thank god for keeping me alive, putting certain people in my life, and giving me the mind to keep going. I may not say much whether its by talking or the facial expressions but, I and others go through somethings that we can not control. I smile to mask the pain inside, to hide the fear, and to show others that I am more than a statistic. I didnt mean to go this far in my blog but, someone needed to hear this, you might know someone and you dont even know the inflicting running through their veins. Don't turn your friend, Family, co worker, or someone who has HIV away. Dont be afraid to touch or have feelings for that person. To be honest you just might of did that already with someone who you had sexual intercourse with... So be aware and be careful of yourself and others. Now HIV has a face to it. Do I look like I have it? Just something to think about. Love you all. Any questions feel free to ask me.

Thankful

Thankful
Category: Life

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..

I can really say
that God has been really good to me and I am thankful for that. Also I am if I
didn’t having a praying mother, father and friends I wouldn’t be where I am at
today. I have my own place that I am glad to call my own. It feels so good to have
to my own place and be able to be dependable on myself it is a very life lesson
in the making and I am just proud to say I have made it. I know this is not the
end of the road for me. This is only the beginning for me; there are more
things I want to accomplish in my life time here on earth. I now that I haven’t
been doing what I am suppose to do in everything but, I am striving for the
better believe me. Oh, I forgot to add that I got my license!!! It feels get to
have it. I can finally say I am a LEGAL DRIVER! Even though I am still scared
of being on the road I need it for my job because I do transport and outreach.
Being able to do things on my own feels great and sometimes it gets
overwhelming but, overall I get the job done. I say long as you stay focused,
you can make anything happen in your life that you want come true.

THIS A LETTER WRITTEN TO ME FROM MY EX BOYFRIEND THAT I FOUND ON MY JOURNAL.

THIS A LETTER WRITTEN TO ME FROM MY EX BOYFRIEND THAT I FOUND ON MY JOURNAL.

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Manny is no more.
You are my man. He better leave us the f*** alone, if he knows what’s good for
him. I’m your love and you are mine. When I’m with you, I feel unstoppable. I
feel like fabulous & Ne-Yo – “I’m a movement by myself, but I am a force
when were together, Timmy I’m good all by myself, but Timmy you make me
better”. You are my Knight in shining armor, my love, and my everything. Don’t
get me wrong just because I love you don’t mean I won’t whip your ass. You
better watch what you do while you are with me. Anyways, I have to go. Later…

a journal entry that i wrote conerning my first boyfriend back in 05

a journal entry that i wrote conerning my first boyfriend back in 05 Category: Life .................... Hey baby I just want to say I Love You. I miss you all the time. I know I act like a little bitch all the time. I need to stop being that and start being more mature. Step up more in my schoolwork, watching my surroundings, watching whom I talk too. Making smart choice sand use my mind. I don’t mind doing anything for you or your family. I love you with all my heart; you have that special room with that pair of keys. You don’t have that room where everybody else has. I tore that room down, getting it ready for you. From the day we started hanging out together, after a few weeks it was ready for you to move in. all you had to do was show me that you wanted the place and that you can keep up with the rent every month. You don’t have to pay me money; I just want your love and care for me. I always wonder if I don’t call you for a few day, were you going to ask me “ Were are you?” or “Are you okay?” .. .. I am not saying you are suppose to do that, but I just want to see if you do care enough about me like you say you do. You can even Meka if I am okay. That would really show me that you do really love me. I always stop on top calling you every chance I get. I am not like the others. Lets get something straight. Just because you say you are boyfriend or girlfriend and love each other. Make sure you both are okay by calling or do what you got to do to make sure you get in contact. You don’t claim that you are with each other and don’t speak or see each other after a few weeks. I don’t see it like that. I see it as if, if you got free time you should spend it with you with your love one. Let him or she knows that you are thinking or they and let them love’em. I can’t do the whole separating thing, but for so long. If I had to a choice whether to be with you, I would be with you all day and night. Just lying on your bed holding you or vice versa. I stop what I am doing every time & think about you. .. .. .. .. No one could ever replace you, no man could come up to me and try to get with me because I have you. Let’s get this straight no one could love me like you do. I don’t ever want to dream the day you break with me. That’s how much faith and patient I am putting in this relationship. I know I may get on your nerves when I am calling you every 15 minutes. The reason I do it is because I love you, care and want to know how you are doing. If we are going to be together we have to have some understanding with each other. I don’t want you to think I am checking your every move, thinking you doing things or just being noisy. If you are not with me I get lonely at times, cause you are the one I spend most of my time with you. I know we can’t be with each other every minute, but this is how I am. I love it when you say I love you like I said I don’t want to make you say something that you don’t feel comfortable saying yet. .. .. .. .. I have a lot of care for you I would do anything to be who you keep you safe and loved. I know I wrote a whole story I am just expressing my love and trying to get some understanding in many ways as possible. I hope you did understand a little. I love you so much don’t break my heart (what’ left of it) From your Baby, Timothy- March 10,2005- 12:40am .. .. 11:25 PM 0 Comments (Add Comment) | 0 Kudos Translate Powered by English Albanian Arabic Bulgarian Catalan Chinese Croatian Czech Danish Dutch Estonian Filipino Finnish French Galician German Greek Hebrew Hindi Hungarian Indonesian Italian Japanese Korean Latvian Lithuanian Maltese Norwegian Polish Portuguese Romanian Russian Serbian Slovak Slovenian Spanish Swedish Thai Turkish Ukrainian Vietnamese Edit Remove

Monday, April 13, 2009 LETTER FROM MY FIRST BOYFRIEND IN MY JOURNAL Current mood:LOST .................... Hey Baby you know who this be. This be your baby M****. You know I Love You and I will always love you. Yes there are going to be some bad times, but we will get around it. Why? Because, we love each other. .. .. Baby I Love You M**** .. .. *Baby, I Love you too. You will always be in my heart even through bad times. I Love You!!!!!! Damn!*

Truly Blessed

One thing I know at the moment and always that my mother loves me. I
thank god for her. I know we had our ups, downs, and turn arounds.
Never did my mother leave me behind when I was down nor did I ever
hate. As I think about we had been through it made us stronger. No
never will we both forget about the past, we have grown since. The
lord knows that I never hated here and don't ever want to lose my
mother. She is my strength to go on when no is there for me. Let me
rephrase that, my mother always have been there even when I founded
out I was HIV+. That made us closer than ever believe or not. Being
apart made us closer believe or not. It showed me and her that yes we
had our faults but, she knows within I love her. It was a time when
she thought I didn't love her, I couldn't believe it.... I Am truly a
momma's boy and I will only be her little man. I just think of that
day when one of us have to go home to the lord. Even though I am
scared I rather go before her I can't bear to lose someone as great as
her. Ma, if you reading this I want you to k ow that I truly love you,
care for you, die for you, and is truly blessed to have. I am sorry
for what I put you through my teen years and made you feel as though
you raised me the wrong way if you wasn't for you I wouldn't be the
man I am today. Very independent, wanting to succeed, and very helpful
and giving. Know this if i am to go before you I LOVE YOU.

Second famiy and thoughts

My second family that I love dearly.

Louis “Momma” Has shown a great deal of inspiration in my life and I am glad to have met a person like him because he has helped me prove the odds of life and man. Being a man of color, HIV+, and gay doesn’t prove that you have to live like what the world procive you to be. Knowing that people look at you, as a statistic doesn’t mean you have to live like one and go down the long dreary path that many have chosen. There is more to life. Many may to see it but, I see it, seen it and heard it what I am going to do is act on it. People who have driven down the wrong can drive back out with patience, strength, knowledge, and perseverance. When we try to prove things or tasks for others it can’t be done because you are not putting yourself in it. When we do things for ourselves it can be done, yes we may need an extra little push from our loved ones but when you think about it you are the one in control of everything. That’s why when I do things I defy the society knowing that I can do all things when I put my mind to it. My brother Davone has been through a lot in his 21 years of living its funny how we met in grammar school by him bullying me, lol. What he went through has sure made him stronger and a better man today. When I look at him I see greatness, I see a person who defied society, who’s on the right track to accomplishment and wants more to life. Talking about life challenges can bring you back to the emotional and good times, being able and having the courage to tell to it others knowing that you are inspiring and saving someone’s life feels good. Going back to college s one of the greatest accomplishments Davone can ever do. When I also look at him I see myself doing the same thing, I can’t allow what others put against me to reality. I am going to prove to myself that I can do this and will do it. Saying it and doing it are to completely different sayings. If you want to do something you have to follow behind it, meaning well in what we say can show different expressions its up to you to find it out and how you can make it work to your best interests. Even though there are times where I get so down I don’t want to think about the future I just want to get away from all the drama but, that right there is the wrong way out. I am built to withstand anything that comes my way whether its school, work, friends, and even family. I want to prove to myself and not others that I can do all things possible. You can do it too once you have the drive and strength to do it.

*REMEMBER THESE WORDS*
Don’t speak the negative but, yet positive things into to your life and you shall see in due time what you rewards will come to be.-Timothy.D

Are you ready for this?? [Insider]

Are you ready for this?? [INSIDER]

....

I am here again typing this blog about this something I have know for about two years now…

....

You may be saying to yourself “What is he talking about?” You may even think to yourself “Why in the hell is he posting his business on Myspace?’’ If you continue on reading you will find out “Why”.

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I’ve heard of this something, head what kind of impact it can have, what danger lies ahead, and know that it’s something manageable… Never knew it personally until January 18, 2007 until I was told I have HIV… Yes I am living with HIV…. You might of known from my previous Myspace page, which was deleted because I couldn’t handle the pressure and drama that was came behind it... I wasn’t going to put it up again, but I want to be heard and not looked down on because for one I am Gay, Black, and HIV positive. Many have been there for me after knowing my status and there when I received it. If it wasn’t for my mother (I love you dearly), Justice (best friend), Godmother, God sister, and the list goes on (you know who are and I thank you so much) truly and most of all GOD. I would have perished along time ago… So why am I still here? I am here for a reason, I am here to serve a purpose and I am going to do it. No matter what he or she says I am going to be me. It’s like coming out all over again. The first time was when I came out about my sexuality to my English 2 class sophomore year of high school. I read a story about how I feel in love with this guy my age then, having my heart broken, and picking myself up/ from that day I felt good about me. I had a standing ovation from own friends and of course got an A+. Did you know how that made me feel?

....

Now to come out about my status really has taking me to another level in life. I came out to my old high school about my status during a presentation for Black Aids Awareness Day in the auditorium. That right there really showed how brave I was, but also coming back to my community to help those before they wreck themselves. Some people may make me feel bad for posting a blog like this, but you don’t know the hassles the up’s and down’s person like me has to go through.

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Sometimes I just feel like ending it all just so that I don’t have to face the challenges here on earth.

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I opened up to my cousin long before I did the presentation at my old high school. I trusted her and she went and told my whole family about it. The only family member that knew about it was my mother. From that day forth I felt hurt and betrayed, I confronted her and really didn’t help at all because she denied it… Sometimes I have my emotional roller coaster going its not that I am looking for anyone’s sympathy that’s just how I am. Sometimes I just want to be alone and not bothered. I know that’s not the right way to handle something’s, but it sure helps me deal with it personally. What I really want to say is that don’t look me down, because I am positive and taking the courage to talk about it. I came to realization that this is real, what I am going to do about it, how I am going to strengthen myself and as well as others. I am a true warrior and would do what I have to do to help someone in need. I may not know everyone, every word, or way to help, but, every thing counts in my book. You may even stop talking to me, go or tell others about my status lol long as you are hearing it from the “Source”, I don’t have a problem because you are making me famous. I am not living for anyone else except for T-I-M-O-T-H-Y and who does that represent? Me.

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I have no time to fall down to the ground and just cry (even though I have had those moments and still do) for anyone because they are afraid of the truth. I am not saying to spill out your own business, no don’t do that on my account. I am saying you can’t sometimes tolerate a person who know they have done something wrong, fell into the same traps and realize what he or she has to do to move on and live life for that it is. For months I was the type to be afraid of hanging around friends because of the uncertainties a friend or even a family member may think. You can be around someone who is positive. Long as you, your partner, or friend do what’s best and that means play things safe! You can manage believe me. Just don’t fall anything. Don’t! I am living proof and as well as others that life continues. It may not be the way you want, but its up to you. Someone right now may be thinking about my past relationships or how I contracted it. My relationships were safe as possible; I wouldn’t dare put someone’s life in danger. I contracted it from my ex three years ago… The virus didn’t show up in my system until January of 07 when I went for a routine check up. So do you have your answer?

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I know there is stipulations put behind in me in posting this blog. Of course I am going to be the talk among people I know. I am ready for that. It may hurt and bother me, but I know I am doing something that some aren’t doing. The famous saying quotes “Before you can love someone else, you got to love yourself first. If that means distancing yourself from negative people in your surroundings, do so. It may hurt to do, but I tough situations you will see who really are there for you in the long run.

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I have had sleepless nights and crying ones, but one thing for sure I am stronger than ever.

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All the times isn’t great, but when you are able to wake up and see the sunlight, able to get out of bed and stretch out there is a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes I feel like not being bothered and lonely I still have to press along the fight. One thing for sure I can say is that I feel a whole lot better talking about it and not just about me, but life itself. I hope I helped someone by reading this. The word is not getting out about HIV… I can’t just sit back and allow anyone to do something bad when it’s preventable. There is more to life than sex. If you are going to do that then wrap it up and I don’t mean use plastic wrap either. Lol. Be Smart, Be Aware, and Be loved meaning love yourself and others. Thanks for the support. Goodnight. Check out my next blog coming up…

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Timmell Dontrell

Myspace.com/Timmell_Dontrell

coming out again

CONTINUING FROM MY LAST BLOG….. THE VISITOR THAT I HAVE KNOWN FOR TWO YEARS ACTUALLY HAPPENS TO BE * WIPES THE TEARS OF MY FACE* TO BE HIV…YES I AM LIVING WITH HIV….YOU MIGHT OF KNOW FROM MY PREVIOUS MYSPACE PAGE…I WASN’T GOING TO PUT THIS UP AGAIN BUT, I WANT TO BE HEARD AND NOT LOOKED DOWN ON BECAUSE I AM GAY FOR ONE, BLACK, AND HIV POSITIVE.…MANY HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME AFTER KNOWING MY STATUS IF IT WASN’T FOR MY MOTHER, GOD MOTHERS, GOD SISTER, AND THE LIST GOES ON (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE- THANK YOU SO MUCH.) TRULY AND MOST OF ALL GOD I WOULD HAVE BEEN PERISHED ALONG TIME AGO… SO WHY AM I STILL HERE? I AM HERE FOR A REASON, I AM HERE TO SERVE A PURPOSE AND I AM GOING TO DO IT.NO MATTER WHAT HE OR SHE SAYS I AM GOING TO BE ME. IT’S LIKE COMING OUT FOR THE SECOND TIME. THE FIRST TIME WAS I CAME OUT TO MY ENGLISH 2 CLASS IN THE TENTH GRADE READING A STORY ABOUT A GUY I FELL IN LOVE WITH. NOW TO COME OUT ABOUT MY STATUS REALLY HAS TAKING ME TO ANOTHER LEVEL. I CAME OUT TO MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL ABOUT MY STATUS DURING A PRESENTATION FOR BLACK AIDS AWARENESS DAY IN THE AUDITORIUM. THAT RIGHT THERE REALLY SHOWED HOW BRAVE I WAS BUT, ALSO COMING BACK TO MY COMMUNITY TO HELP THOSE BEFORE THEY WRECK THEMSELVES…SOME PEOPLE MAY MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR POSTING A BLOG LIKE THIS BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THE HASSLES THE UP’S AND DOWN’S A PERSON LIKE ME HAS TO GO THROUGH. SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE ENDING IT ALL JUST SO THAT I DON’T HAVE TO FACE THE CHALLENGES HERE ON EARTH. I HAVE MY EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER GOING SOMETIMES AND JUST NEED TO BE ALONE AND NOT BE BOTHERED… I KNOW THAT’S NOT A GUY WAY TO HANDLE SOMETHING BUT, IT SURE HELPS ME DEAL WITH SOMETHINGS... WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY IS THAT DON’T LOOK ME DOWN, BECAUSE I AM POSITIVE. I HAVE FOUND THE COURAGE TO COME REALIZATION THAT THIS IS REAL, WHAT I’M GOING TO DO ABOUT IT AND HOW I AM GOING TO STRENGTHENING MYSELF AS WELL AS OTHERS. I AM A TRUE WARRIOR AND WOULD DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO HELP SOMEONE IN NEED. I MAY NOT KNOW EVERY WORD OR WAY OF HELPING IN NEED BUT, EVERY SINGLE THING COUNTS IN MY BOOK... YOU MAY EVEN STOP TALKING TO ME, YOU MAY GO AND TELL OTHERS ABOUT MY STATUS LOL LONG AS YOU ARE HEARING IT FROM ME (THE SOURCE), I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM. I AM NOT LIVING FOR ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT FOR T-I-M-O-T-H-Y AND WHO DOES THAT REPRESENT? ME. I HAVE NO TIME TO FALL DOWN TO THE GROUND A JUST CRY (EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD THOSE MOMENTS) FOR ANYONE BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF THE TRUTH. I AM NOT SAYING TO SPILL OUT YOUR BUSINESS NO. I AM SAYING YOU CANT SOMETIMES TOLERATE A PERSON WHO KNOW THEY HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, FELL IN MANY TRAPS AND REALIZE WHAT HE OR SHE HAS TO DO TO MOVE ON AND LIVE LIFE FOR WHAT IT IS. FOR MONTHS I WAS THE TYPE TO BE AFRAID OF HANGING AROUND FRIENDS BECAUSE OF THE UNCERTAINTIES. YOU CAN BE AROUND SOMEONE WHO IS HIV POSITIVE YOU CAN EVEN LOVE AND BE WITH THAT PERSON WHO IS HIV POSITIVE. LONG AS YOU, YOUR PARTNER, OR FRIEND DO WHAT IS BEST AND THAT MEANS PLAY THINGS IN A SAFE WAY. YOU CAN MANAGE. JUST DON’T FALL FOR ANYTHING.DONT! I AM LIVING PROOF AND AS WELL AS OTHERS THAT LIFE CONTINUES.IT MAY NOT BE THE WAY YOU WANT BUT, IT’S UP TO YOU. THE FAMOUS SAYING ‘’BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE SOMEONE ELSE YOU GOT TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST’’. IF THAT MEANS DISTANCING YOURSELF FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE IN YOUR SURROUNDINGS, DO SO. IT MAY HURT TO DO THAT BECAUSE IN TOUGH SITUATIONS YOU WILL SEE WHO REALLY IS YOU FRIEND IN THE LONG RUN. I HAVE HAD SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND CRYING NIGHTS BUT, ONE THING FOR SURE I AM STRONGER THAN EVER. ALL THE TIMES ISN'T GREAT BUT, WHEN YOUR ABLE TO WAKE UP AND SEE THE SUNLIGHT, ABLE TO GET OUT OF BED AND STRETCH OUT THERE IS A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE NOT BEING BOTHERED AND LONELY I STILL HAVE TO PRESS ALONG THE FIGHT. ONE THING FOR SURE I CAN SAY IS THAT I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER TALKING ABOUT NOT JUST ABOUT ME BUT, LIFE ITSELF… I JUST HOPE I HELP SOMEONE BY THEM READING THIS. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT. GOODNIGHT. CHECK OUT MY NEXT BLOG COMING UP...